A person has a past, a present and a future; everything we do effects one or the other, even our whole life. Our life starts the moment we are conceived and finish the day we pass at least physically right because maybe we did something memorable for people to remember us or maybe the love of the people in our lives keep our memories living forever. The reason for this deep start to my thoughts is that our past creates a path for what our future might look like and when we are children this is controlled by our parents/caregivers. As a child who did not receive love or care from the people who birth me, it has created a path for my present that I believed was set in stone. But I have learn that I can learn from my mistakes and while I assume responsibility for my past actions as an adult, I also know that i cannot use my tragic and painful childhood and young adult life as an excuse to keep hurting the people I love. When younger I use to say if I ever had kids I would be a different mother than the one I had, but unfortunately that was not the case. Not knowing what a loving and caring mother had made me into a mom who did not know how to show affection for my own girls. My girls are smart, beautiful, and sweet girls that do not know what a life with a mom who loves them is at their young age because I have been away and not communicated much, this is something that hurts me to my core because I cased to my angels the pain that was caused to me and something I promise not to do. But I have done the work to be capable of understanding that I can not let the guilt, others’ opinions, my own excuses or anything to stop me from having a relationship with my two girls, its not to late. One day ill tell them my story maybe they will understand or not. I am not naïve to believe things will be ok just because I decided to be there today or tomorrow, I will do the work to earn their trust that mom won’t leave them. I never doubted the love for my girls because they have always been my world, but I didn’t understand much about myself and blame myself for the abuse and pain lived since I was a child. but today I speak of it not for pity, or an excuse but to let other survivors of sexual abuse and trauma that it was NEVER their fault, they did not deserve it. Mental Health is a factor that people are afraid to talk about because of the judgement they will receive, and because of this they are not open to use therapy.
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